Sometimes I Suck as Mother
I occasionally suck as a mother. There, I said it. I’m not proud of it. I am not ashamed of it. I am just a mom, standing in a toy filled room (probably standing on a lego) and I’m telling you that on occasions I suck as a mother.
I’m pretty sure I thought I’d always be some calm and collected mother, knitting sweaters and baking apple pies. And while I bake a lot of cookies and Amazon Prime a lot of clothes, I am not always who I thought I’d be. For starters, I know nothing about knitting and I don’t even care for Apple Pie (chocolate please).
I’m pretty sure that I thought I’d yell a lot less, never discipline and never want to ram my head into a wall. But when you’re standing there face to face with the most stubborn three year old on this side of Mars, you kinda wanna ram your head straight into the wall.
I never quite imagined that I’d always be searching for my keys each morning, hanging onto a solid 10% battery life pretty frequently and pushing that E sign in my car. But the truth is, mom life is a little messy and a whole lotta crazy, so sometimes I just live life on the edge.
There are mornings where the rush to school drop off is like a manic episode of who is gonna wear what, why haven’t you put your shoes on yet and why do you eat breakfast as slow as a snail. Or a sloth. Or a turtle. Or I don’t know, but whatever the slowest creature is…that’s it. WHY?
Why is it that so much can go so wrong some days? Why is it that what I envision for myself, my family and my children can be displayed so differently? Was I setting the bar too high? Expecting too much today? I’m pretty sure pre-mom me didn’t envision dropping her kid off to school after a heated debate about a skirt uniform vs a dress uniform. Pre-mom me probably thought I’d be dishing out bagels and kale smoothies on the way out the door; instead some days I’m dishing out crazy mama. And let’s face it, that’s no way to start the day.
Life as a mother to littles, is messy and crazy. It’s surely nothing like what you probably envisioned about yourself prior to. You’ll learn a lot about yourself, your limits and boundaries and especially your grace and patience. You’ll learn that you need Jesus and you’ll also learn that you need strong Coffee and a Target nearby.
You’ll learn as a mother that you sometimes suck and that it’s okay because no one does this gig perfectly anyway. No one, no matter how gentle and patient they are can navigate the trenches of motherhood effortlessly and perfectly. It’s just not real.
It’s so easy to get caught up in our failures, our hard days and the moments where we know we failed. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up over the moments where we know we just plain ole’ sucked as a mother. It’s easy to think that someone somewhere else is doing a much better job than you. Instagram Susie probably doesn’t yell and blogger Nancy probably had kale for breakfast.
But the thing is, is that we all suck some days. We all have crappy mornings, off days and messy lives. We can’t all knit sweaters and many of us prefer to go with store bought pies most days. Motherhood isn’t about being perfect but about learning how to make beauty out of the imperfections. It’s about showing unconditional love through the darkness and finding grace in the trenches. It’s about forgiving and praying for forgiveness. It’s about realizing your weaknesses and flaws and working on fixing them so life goes smoother. It’s about organizing shish a little better and making things run smoothly for the little people depending on you. It’s a giant hat, but someone has to wear it.
It’s learning, loving and yes, occasionally sucking at your role as mom. But sshhhhh, let me tell you a secret…you’re the ONLY one who thinks you suck. In that moment, in that day and that messy, crazy life…you’re still “mommy.” And believe me, to those little ones mommy never sucks. She’s just occasionally a loud, kinda crazy and maybe slightly irrational but totally cool, incredibly beautiful and oh so loving mommy. We are everything to these little people, whether we suck or not.
Besides, I’d take all the sucky days over and over again just to be their mama. Wouldn’t you?? So go off and have a great day, or a sucky one. It really doesn’t matter I suppose because at the end of the day, we’re all just hanging on by a thread, tired as crap and loved more than we ever dreamed imaginable. It’s a totally beautiful, messy and sometimes sucky life. And it’s totally okay by me.