No Kid, That Wasn't An Oreo {Mom Truths}

I've evaluated life as a mom to two and especially to life as mother to a toddler. These are just some of the life changing things I have recently witnessed.

If you don't agree or can't relate, it's coming.

It's coming, I promise.

I'll text you back later.

Like way later.

 Remember the days of texting back and forth with your BFF where you sent countless and pointless emojis or "hahahahas" like it was nothing? Yea, say goodbye to those days. You're lucky if you even remember to text them back because chances are you received their text message while you were in the middle of nursing a baby with a toddler climbing on your head.

What's Lifetime?

 You know, like the good ole' classic Lifetime movies that all have somewhat of the same story line? Someone has an affair. Someone gets shot. Someone has a baby.

It's all the same.

Yet you love the days where you can lay on the sofa and watch the channel all day long while dreaming of a steamy shower love scene like the one in the movie.

But in real mom life fashion, you can't watch Lifetime all day.

Or any part of the day really. And you're lucky if you have energy just to take a shower to wash yourself, let alone recreate some sexy love scene.

No kid, that wasn't an Oreo.

You literally hide behind the cabinet door shoving Oreos in your mouth at 9 am. Toddler sees and points and wants one and you totally play that shit off like it was a peach or something.

Here kid, here's some peaches. 

Peeing alone in peace is really over. FOREVER.

You know the joke that moms can't pee or go to the bathroom in peace? You then have a baby and think "

oh that's not true, they sit so quietly in their bouncer.

" Yea well, have a toddler and see what the hell happens. You'll have fingers, toes and whatever else sliding under the door trying to reach you. They'll scream like their life is over and you may hear


1,004 times. Fun game: try sticking your hands out back at them.

They hate it. 

"No, Mama Pease".

You hear this all day as daddy tries to help brush teeth or bathe them. But noooooooo, obviously mama just does it all better. Mama is the brush master and the best freaking bubble bath maker there ever was. While you secretly love it, you also just want to run away for five minutes and say "nanana boo boo" and leave the bathing and brushing up to daddy.

You spend more money on your diaper bag than you do on a purse.

 True story. No explanation needed other than

what the heck is a purse these days and who even uses those with kids?!

You occasionally lie.

"No baby Mickey isn't on right now...he's taking a nap."

Even though Mickey is totally saved to your DVR. Hey you fibbed for a good reason, too much TV is bad for little brains.

Grocery shopping is...

like a mini vacay if you're alone and especially if you're grocery shopping at Target (seriously that place is Heaven in a box).

Grocery shopping is often times meltdown worthy with the kids (meltdowns for everyone that is).

Your kids sometimes have cuter clothes.

You may own a lot of cute clothes, but sometimes it takes so much energy just to get them ready to run a meaningless task like running to the bank, that you totally skimp on making yourself look cute. Yay for cute kids, boo for sloppy-mom-yoga-pant-look.

Going to Starbucks is the Coco Chanel of it all.

And I don't mean going sit in Starbucks and people watching while acting all studious and adult like as you type away at your computer.

No, going through the drive thru is literally the best thing ever for moms. The second that grande cup gets in your hand means shits about to get real.

Or it just means you had an extra five minutes and an extra five dollars and two quiet kids sleeping in the back seat who didn't whine when the car stopped for you to make your order (and sit behind the 20 cars in the drive thru -- geez people get a life!).

It's the best freaking job ever.

No real pay, little sleep, little to no days off and crappy dress attire (literally, there's often crap on your clothes). But it is and always will be the best job you've ever had and there's so much love that you think your eyeballs will pop out.

It really is that great.